THIS WEEK'S TOPIC IS:
Top Ten Words/Topics That Will Make You NOT pick up a book
Oh this is hard...very hard....
IF I EVER READ THIS ON THE BACK OF A BOOK.....YEAH, PROBABLY NEVER EVER GOING TO PICK IT UP!
1.) In the mystical kingdom of Poochyhauna, a terrible curse was spread throughout the land....by an evil witch. Every human, once the picture of beauty and health, was turned into one of the dreaded blood sucking leeches that thrive in the castle moat, except instead of being the size of a fingernail, THEY ARE HUMAN SIZED! *GASP*
Princess Gernky, was once the fairest human in the entire world, buy now she is a large slimey blood sucking leech, doomed to await her beloved Prince from a far off land for a kiss. Until that day she whiles away her days roaming the countryside in search of cows to suck blood from.
Prince Herbenweren grew up in the kingdom next to Poochyhauna, fighting alongside his father to kill as many of the leeches as possible. One day after receiving a dreadful perm and become the laughing stock of his family, he flees weaponless out into the country side and runs directly into, you guessed it, Princess Gernky.
When there worlds collide, literally the fall madly in love. But will the Prince actually have the guts to kiss the Princess? Find out in this debut novel based on the tale of Sleeping Beauty, with it's own unique twist.
2.) A Girl.
And a Rabid Monkey attached to said boy's shoulder.
At birth, Herman was accidentally melded with a rabid spitting monkey, by his (obviously awful at) sorcerer father. His mother, appalled by her fearsome son and her worthless husband, immediately fled into the night screaming, NEVER AGAIN!!!! What she means, by that is still unknown.
When Herman, over 17 years late and a rabid monkey still living on his shoulder, crashes into the girl of his dreams he falls head over heels in love. She, being incredibly awesome, is able to overlook the rabid monkey and develops feelings for Herms. (His nickname is Herms, Hermy if she is in a good mood)
The girl, (who shall now be called Germs) is worried that Hermy is not truly in love with her, and only feels rabid monkey lust towards her.
Hermy, can not understand why Germs, one of the most beautiful girls ever, (I mean like EVER!!!) would want to love him.
Driven apart by their insecurity, will the two star crossed lovers ever get back together.
(AUTHORS NOTE: The lovers aren't star crossed ..it just sounded better in the description. Second thing, SPOILER ALERT they get back together on the last page!!! Just thought I should let you know in case it encourages you to read my book.)
3.) He's always been known as the homeless nerd who lives under the playground slide......but that's not even close to the truth....(Dun, dun, dun...I cued the ominous music!)
Teddy was experimented on as a child...Horrible experiments that would curdle your blood, and if blood can't be curdled, then just imagine it happening to your milk....as you dunk your cookie in it.
Teddy is forced to live on the streets due to his HUGE appetite which his mom attempts to satisfy. (She just can't afford to provide him shelter AND food.) Teddy chooses to satisfy his hunger by eating the wood chips from the playground, the only reason why he lives on the playground. He likes his food tough.
After running out of wood chips Teddy ventures into the back alley ways in search of food. Discovering an open dumpster he looks inside, only to discover a family of cats. (Awwwww!!!)
Will he befriend them or will they become his next meal?
(ANOTHER SPOILER ALERT: Because I don't want to be thought of as cruel I'm going to say that by the last page he has befriended the cat family and moved into a wood chip making factory where he happily eats away his days.)
4.) Once in a land far far away and a time long long ago there were two prominent families, both who craved to be the ones to capture the unicorn of legend.
Sadly it did not end well as neither family was ever able to capture the animal. There frustration was taken out on each other with both families accusing the other of scaring the unicorn away!
Centuries later the feud still exists and is a strong as ever....
Beema loved life. She loved school, her family and all those who ever walked the earth.....except for the Pergerderkens.......the evil family who ruined her family's chances at creating eternal happiness and healing all those around them!
Gladius was the school goth. He loved all things depressing. Black was his favorite color and he surrounded himself with it. His favorite thing to do was to hate....he especially loved to hate the Harkensippers, the family that ruined his family's chances at wealth and world domination.
After meeting for the first time, the saying opposites attract was never more true.
One evening on a secret tryst into the woods the star crossed lovers (This time they really are star crossed.) spot the unicorn. Will it tear the two apart as they try to gain what there families so long ago lost or will it create a stronger bond between them?
(In this case there is no happy endings. They both end up hating each other and falling in love with others. There families then go to war and end up starting World War Three. They call a truce, but Beedius will be no more...In case your wondering Beedius is or should I say was their couple name....WHY? Because I'm cool like that!)
5.) In a world where Zombies rule and Humans are forced to kiss there feet before sacrifice, a lone werewolf prowls the moors of jolly old England....except for the fact that it is no longer jolly, just filled with rotting Zombies.
Anyhow, the lone werewolf prowls and prowls....Sometimes he walks up straight, or crawls but he prefers to prowl. (I mean who wouldn't?) The werewolf comes across a girl wandering aimlessly, looking good enough to be his next meal, but something stops him....she smells as though she has lived with Zombies for years and years.
Curious the werewolf becomes a man and brings her to a human safe haven. After learning all of her deepest darkest secrets he learns that she has been in love with a Zombie. She got cold feet on her wedding day and ran for it, but her love is still there. As time passes the werewolf falls deeply in love with her. She begins to feel the same way, but her first love The Zombie manages to break into the Safe Haven to win her back.
Now it is up to her will she choose her first love The Zombie (who is rotting... not sure why she would ever choose him, but love is a funny thing!) or will she choose the werewolf?
In the love triangle of the century, squashing Twilight, The Hunger Games, and any other love triangle out there, who will the girl choose? The rotting Zombie or the blood thirsty werewolf?
(Okay just putting it out there, but I'm team Werewolf all the way....Zombies give me the creeps.)
6.) Okay I need to be able to semi pronounce a name. It CANNOT be something like Herpsenhedlurghenburt but be pronounced differently. (Bad example I know) And if you're going names from a different country where they are pronounced differently (ex. Tadhg=TEEG=ME GOING WHAT???) then I want the author to at least write how it is truly pronounced. (I believe that Leigh Fallon did this in Carrier of the Mark) So overall don't put scary names on the back cover because I'm a total chicken and WON'T read it.
7.) Don't brag. Okay so when you read a book and on the back they have something like this dystopia is unlike the gazillion others out there....READ IT NOW, to see what others have been praising....Don't miss out and be the only person in the world who hasn't read this book.......I realize that this is soooo not the author's fault, but I feel so pressured when books say this that half the time I won't pick them up.
8.) Flesh eating......I have flesh.....I don't want it to be eaten.....enough said....
9.) Incest....Okay I' seriously running out of ideas here so now I'm just thinking of things that I use to eliminate the assigned summer reading school books. There was once a memoir that we had the option of reading......It had incest......I skipped it.....
10.) Okay I'm going to do one last summary.....because I have no other ideas..
On an island.
Without a way off.
That is how Henrietta's Wednesday begins.
She would complain to someone out there, but there is no one.
Surrounded by nothing but toucans and ostriches, Henrietta is lost without her necessities. i.e. her blow dryer, curler, file, over 300 nail polish colors, foot massage machine....the list goes on.
Henrietta may have grown up with everything, but now she has nothing....How on earth will this city girl survive the trauma of her first broken nail or mass amounts of split ends. Will she survive until her rescue?
Probably not.....The flesh eating toucans will get to her first.
(SPOILER ALERT: she doesn't make it through the first chapter. The toucans get her and the rest of the story is told from a mouses POV as he watches the toucans eat her and later when a rescue ship arrives only to find a pile of bones....poor Henrietta.)
Well, that was interesting....As you can see, I really have waaaayyyy to much time on my hands!!! So what do you think of my summaries. Would you read them? The bigger question is if I actually wrote a book about any of them could I sell it to you for ten dollars or perhaps could I get a publishing deal????
(NOTE: I suck at naming things.....so if you have any better names for my beloved characters please tell me......Once I had to write a short story for school and I named all of the characters Door, window, mufffin, whatever I was looking at.......Obviously I've improved in the naming department, right????)